I wrote the Facebook post below earlier this week. It was a rant, but a moderate one as the worst of the storm had already blown past.

It was a vulnerable moment.

One in which I had to admit that I was not infallible to the stress of a career transition. Ironically, radical career change is what I coach my clients on all the time and I'm even developing online programs on this topic to coach executives on a global scale! So the sucker punch to the gut was even more painful.

Hubris is admittedly something I deal with regularly and this was my moment of self-realization.

• That regardless of how many people I coach through their period of confusion and self-doubt... I'm not immune either.

• That despite having gone through numerous career changes myself, this one is by far the hardest one emotionally and mentally...

It’s been building up for a while. The tension, the fears, the frustration. Of being in limbo yet again. Of not knowing what’s the next step.

Yes, the cycle of something new has begun yet again; and this time it’s much bigger.

Because it’s me not relying on a side-gig job or project from someone else. It’s me stepping up and stepping into my own territory. Without the safety net of a part-time work contract. And seeing that it’s like stepping into a dragon’s lair.

Add to that increasing home pressures. Teenaged shenanigans. Tween tantrums and fights. Our impending move to Auckland. Continued stress around sub-health issues. Feeling like I can’t even be in my own home.

Yesterday was the first time I truly felt like I was falling into depression.

And when Dany asked me how fast it would take to change my state (my TR family will relate) I realized there was so much RESISTANCE to getting OUT of my funky state. It’s as if I wanted to stay down and blue.

It was a very curious experience observing myself while being in that mood.

I realized a few weeks ago that I’m in kind of a state of grief.

• Grieving my loss of identity as I move from portfolio career/consultant/coach to solopreneur/coach/stay-home-mom with plenty of question marks in front of us.

• Mourning my change and shift in life which is a complete unknown. Yet having to hold space for my family and my clients. And myself.

I’m in the midst of the anger-depression-bargaining stages of grief. And today was a day of MAJOR ANGER. Not because of something tangible (well, there were three trigger incidents) but because I can’t even feel at home, at home.

As I left the house (steaming with rage) this morning, without doing either my meditation or a run, I was furious that I had to be the one walking out to find my space.

Furious that I’m the one who needs to be in-charge when I don’t want to be.

Choked with anger that I can’t even speak my mind without being told that I shouldn’t be angry.

Or being told that I can’t give someone an angry look when all I’m doing is closing my eyes (in frustration) to think about how to phrase something so that person can understand what I’m saying without me having to give up and do it myself.

This path is not easy. Even for someone who’s been at it for a while.

So as I sit here at Kith Cafe - which is such a nice place to work - I own my anger. But I refuse to swallow it because that’s really bad for health: physically, emotionally, mentally and energetically.

Instead, I’ll do some Releasing under my breath, and channel my rage into being more focused in my work (and family culture deck) and... I’ll make up for my missed meditation tonight.

The responses on both my Facebook Page and personal wall were really cool to read. Outpourings of support. Friends I hadn't heard from for a while, but apparently had been 'silent readers'. Pieces of advice addressing the different angles of my rant.

I asked for coaching - and got new insights:

• That despite the fact that I often coach clients around the abundance of time, I was subconsciously pressurizing myself because of a perceived lack of time.

• That even though I have a cool toolbox of energy management and coaching tools, I still went through a major meltdown.

• And on a more positive note: even when I am at my worst, I emerge fairly quickly from the rubble, observe myself from the 'balcony' and face my shadow side.

So the lesson for me here is to take my own medicine. Get rest, ask for help, trust the process and trust my instincts. And ... go for a solo glamping trip to reset!

#careeradventurist #radicalcareerchange #career transitions #selfcare #energymanagement #askforhelp #abundance